If I Had a Dollar…
There are some phrases and questions every teacher has come to expect regularly if not even daily or hourly. I often make the joke, “If I had a dollar for every time someone said/asked me that, I’d be rich enough to retire.” Here are some of those sayings that all teachers will recognize:
- “Will this be on the test?” (While wearing an incredulous look) ...Yes.
- “Miss!” Usually responded with an equally emphatic, “Yes?”
- “Can we write on this?” No, I made a million and one copies of this just for fun.
- “Do I need to keep this?” Probably. You know, if you want to pass.
- “Do you have a pencil?” Nope. All out. You “borrowed” the last one yesterday.
- “What time is it?” This one is especially fun to hear when there’s a clock on the wall right in front of them that they probably don’t know how to read.
- “You never said that.” Chances are I did. Repeatedly. For several days now. You probably just weren’t listening…
- “There’s a test today!?” It’s only posted on the board in red marker 5 times. I’ve only been telling you about it for the past week and a half. I’ve only given you two copies of the review that you’ve managed to lose again. I’ve only sent out 3 remind messages about it in the past 36 hours. I only spent the last five minutes of class yesterday begging you all to study. So yes, there’s a test today. Of course there’s the other, “Is there a test today?” that comes literally 2 days after the last test, asked by a student who probably already took it, but has the attention span of a fruit fly.
- “Do you want to share your food?” Sometimes this is said as their hand is already reaching for a spoon/fork/bite. The closest I’ve ever come to hitting one of my students was when someone tried to eat the rest of my half-eaten lunch that I didn’t have enough time to finish before they got there. Teenagers are both piranhas and scavengers. If you feed them, they’ll keep asking for more food until you’re more bankrupt than you already are.
- “What can I do to fix my grade?” This usually comes the week that grades are due and not a moment before. I like to point out the obvious options: Tardis, DeLorean, Time Turner...
- “Will turning this in improve my grade?” I really don’t know why they can’t figure this one out themselves. Let’s see, you currently have three daily grades turned in out of twelve… You know, no. I’ve crunched the numbers and I’ve come to the conclusion that turning in work for an actual grade (as opposed to a zero) will definitely lower your grade. Hearing this question makes me wonder how these kids will manage not to flip the burgers onto their faces instead of the grill.
- "What's my grade in this class right now?" Let me consult my crystal ball. If only there was a magical website where you could check your grade and a list of all the assignments for this class on your own. Oh wait...
- “Did I miss anything yesterday?” No, since you were gone I decided there was no point in having class so we just colored all day long.
- “Can I go to the bathroom.” Usually I’m asked this as soon as the student walks in the door because they didn’t think there would be enough time to go and they don’t want to be counted tardy. Chances are if they just went to the bathroom on their way to class instead of slowly walking to class, asking me to go, and taking 2 minutes to set their stuff down inside the classroom before actually going to the bathroom, they wouldn't have been tardy to begin with.
- “I wasn’t talking!” or “Miss, it wasn’t me.” Teacher’s Definition of Talking: Your mouth is moving and there is any kind of sound coming out. This includes talking to yourself, talking to somebody else, whispering, singing, or sound effects. My eyes and my ears don’t lie.
- “Can today be a free day?” No. Just no.
